Shifting Focus

I began researching other domestic adoption agencies, trying to find one that increased our chances of getting a baby.  Many automatically ruled us out because we have biological children and we have more than 2.

I called my friend who is pursuing Ch Special Needs and explained my discouragement.  I told her that with our medical insurance situation not being the best, we didn't feel we could adopt a child that was medically fragile.  She sent me a link explaining the issues with special needs children in Ch.  They range from birth marks to severe disabilities.  She told me that once the paper work is complete, your agency makes suggestions of children who would be a good fit for your family and you are able to evaluate their medical need first before finalizing the adoption.

And so my focus shifted from domestic to special needs international.  The computer is a wealth of information and I was almost overwhelmed with learning the new information that I was reading.

I made a phone call to a friend who adopted a special needs boy to ask her about her adoption when she shared with me the timeliness of our call.  She had been approached by several friends recently who are going through adoption and she was considering getting us all together to exchange information, share with one another and be encouraged in this process.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to attend the lunch, but my friend was and she told me about an adoption agency in Indiana and about the country of S that has just opened it's doors this year to adoptions.  She gave me the number of a girl who came to the lunch who is adopting from S.  I called her and asked her questions.

The web site for the agency in IN encouraged me, as it appears that we meet the criteria to be an adoptive family and because it's a new pilot program, the wait is only 12-15 months.  So now I am scheduled for an hour and a half phone interview with this agency on Thursday of next week.  It's the first stage of their application process.  I am praying that after the phone interview, I will have clear direction from the Lord whether or not to walk through this door or not.

We have only begun and yet this process seems to be filled with excitement that is ever changing.  Two weeks ago I was closing my eyes, envisioning a tiny black baby in my arms with kinky curly hair...the first Fish Stick ever to have a head full of hair or curls.  Last week the baby I held was old enough to be crawling with slanted eyes.  This week he has dark skin and looks Polynesian.  If I close my eyes tight enough I can picture twins....but I'm not getting my hopes up....just a dream I would love to come true.

Where to Begin

Having never been through this process, I had no clue where to begin.  My good friend gave me a spreadsheet she had created that listed countries and any regulations they had on adoptive parents and costs and requirements.  What it boiled down to was that with 6 biological children already in our home, we were left to adopt from China, Ethiopia or Russia.  Russia required 2 extended trips, making the cost much more than the others.  Leaving our Fish Sticks here for 2 long trips didn't seem like a good option for us.  Recently China and Ethiopia have tightened their reins on adoptions and the waits were looking like 3-4 years.  That seemed like a LONG time to wait.

And so I shifted my attention to domestic adoptions.  I talked with a friend who adopted 2 children from a local organization whose focus is helping troubled teenage girls.  I purchased an application, printed it and got to work filling out and doing what I could on the check list.  I called the organization and was discouraged to hear that they only do 2-3 placements a year and have about 15-20 waiting families.  What were our chances to be chosen among many infertile couples?  This came as a discouragement but I constantly was telling myself that this was NOT about us but was God orchestrated.

Although our plans to adopt were not public, I started talking to people who had adopted.  I wanted to know who they went through, how long it took and what the process was like.  Time and time again the same words came back to me.  Get the process rolling if God has laid this on your heart AND HE WILL DIRECT.  It was more confirmation to me that this is a God thing and He will shut and open doors as He sees fit to show us what to do.  These words have brought me peace.

I called another local agency that also shared that they do about 6-8 placements a year with 20 or more families waiting.  She also reiterated that about 90% of expectant mothers choose a couple without children.  So it doesn't take an Einstein to do the math.  Statistically, our chances were slim.

We decided to tell the Fish Sticks that we were in the research phases of adoption.  They all squealed, hooting and hollering.  Little Josiah (5) came to me and said, "Mommy, don't get a black boy.  Get a white boy."  I was shocked by this sentence and said, "Oh no, Sweetie!  We will most probably NOT get a white baby but a black or brown one."  He said in his most frustrated voice, "Then how are we going to speak Spanish to him???"  We all laughed and assured Josiah that language would not be a barrier with his new sibling.

The Beginning

Even as a young child, I thought adoption was cool.  I remember belting out in my 5th grade musical (Down by the Creekbank) the words to "I'm Adopted."

I am adopted.  I'm a special kid you see.

I'm proud to be a member of the royal family.

My Father owns His kingdom and sits upon His throne.

He gives me everything I need.  It's nice to just belong.

I'm adopted.  I'm chosen.  

I bare my Father's name.

Just livin' a life of luxury 

In a castle with a king.

What a beautiful picture, even as a young child, of my relationship to my Lord.  This wonderful understanding of my own adoption, left me with a heart open to adoption from the start.

The Lord placed me with a wonderful man who had twin cousins adopted from Korea.  He loves his cousins deeply and grew up with them as his best friends, so when we, as a dating couple, talked about adoption, it was clear that our hearts were knit together on this topic.

While living in Singapore in 2000-2002, we decided to check into adoption after having our 2nd Fish Stick.   Seeing as we were in Asia, why not check into seeing if the adoption process was any easier than in the US?  A file named "adoption" was created.  Back home in the USA, another adoption file was added to the filing cabinet after Fish Stick 4 and Fish Stick 5.  The pull was always there, but the time had not yet come.

Fast forward and now Fish Stick 6, our "baby," is 3.  My Man brings it up again in the fall of 2011.  Something unexplainable was going on in my head that is hard to express on paper.  I had been struggling.  Struggling with myself mostly.  Most days of the week I had strong feelings of inadequacy.  I wasn't a good enough wife for My Man.  I wasn't a good mom for my Fish Sticks.  I lost my temper too often.  Their bickering was a reflection of my poor parenting.  My house was a mess and I couldn't ever keep it cleaned up.  It was all I could do to maintain my own sanity and not crash in exhaustion and utter depletion each night.  Adoption?  How could I possibly adopt now?  I can't manage the responsibilities I have been given, much less add the stress of the adoption process and training another child.

And so I smiled, nodded my head and went about doing what I do as a homemaker, struggling within my heart and listening to the lies of the enemy.  My Man brought it up time and again until finally I broke down and shared with him my struggles.  He seemed shocked that I had been feeling that way.  It didn't seem like something that a few encouraging words from him could cure.

In December, a good friend, going through her first adoption loaned me Katie Davis' book "Kisses From Katie."  I've read Katie's blog almost since the beginning.  It makes me weep almost every time.  I read the book slowly and contemplatively.  As I read, the Holy Spirit began working on my heart through the heart of Katie's words.  It's not about me.  It's not about my need for approval, recognition and encouragement.  It's not about my accomplishments or lack thereof.  It's about HIM.  It's about HIS WORK through little-ole me.  It's about my willingness to come to Him, palms up and say "Yes, Lord, I'm willing."  The enemy knew just what to do to make me feel inadequate to mother an orphan.  He started early, prepping my heart to resist the words of My Man to follow through with the vision we had for our family years earlier.

And so as my heart began to soften and I began to resist the lies of Satan, my heart began to beat to become the mother for another Fish Stick that the Lord had for us (or more).  And here began the rest of the story.